Learning from a Broken System
First, I need to caveat myself. I'm no saint and I never in my life expected to be blogging about Emotional Harm to Kids, especially my own. And the worst part is it's by a person I committed about a quarter of a century to support.
How the hell did I get here?
|Circle of Legal Harm - Most Services don't help kids with.|
At some point as a testosterone filled youth, I mixed up the letters in GOD and came up with EGO. I tossed out spirituality with religion, took on my own self will, smart mind, hard work, decent morals (when coherent) and occasionally supplemented with self-medicating for the stressful times. Take the edge off the hard day. Seems like a good plan - and vehemently endorsed by society! How could it fail?
Marriage decision wasn't that cerebral... clouded by partying and excess, it was a 'hey - I guess I need to' do this "marriage thing". I could not possibly understand love as I do today, with the focus I had then. I worked at being Married to Marriage and Committed to Commitment. I applied my ethics and said "No matter What - you WILL stay married - no matter how miserable you are. The mind is a powerful thing. Careful what you commit to.
It turned out I had a bonus marriage, my in-laws were attached to my ex - til death (or divorce) do you (all four) part - it was a package deal, Boundary free, invasive to the kids and parenting, living with us. For a decade, I hated going home, I loved my kids, they were my focus best I could. The one coping skill I had... chemical brain numbing, in my mind became necessary for survival. Self-medicating became (in my mind) a daily necessity. In the nearly a decade they lived with us, my career plummeted, as my self medicating escalated. I was committed to staying - co-dependant, confused, unhappy, and committed to that commitment. I hated my life - did the best I could.
Fortunately for me, I was too toxic for my ex - (fully justified - I was very toxic - very self-centered full of fear and self-medicating and selfish) she eventually staged up another guy, used and manipulated me as a launching pad for about a year in divorce. She moved 4 Cats, 3 kids, 2 Parents in with another guy... immediately and was re-married in a few weeks... to this day she professes never cheating. Foreshadowing a long list of very interesting and enlightening behavior analysis.
Funny is - the alcohol, in essence, was like the Chemotherapy I needed - I became too toxic for toxic them - the things causing me the stress left. However, I was an absolute mess - and needed more Chemo - to remove my OWN personal toxic self will and self-harm. That took another 2 years - fantastically deep depression, stress and massive anxiety, and some old fashioned severe self-poisoning, near death, loss of everything... yadda yadda. So guess what I found after getting rid of EGO... I un-mashed up the letters again in a near death 'foxhole prayer' in a malnourished, Alcohol-induced full body paralysis... and found GOD. Go figure. I was wrong all those years ago.
Finally becoming 100% Coherent after decades of self will and self-medicating, I found myself in a menagerie of madness and manipulations. I did not understand or know of terms and behaviors like "Gaslighting" and "Sociopath" or "Narcissist" or "Parental Alienation Dynamic" as a psych syndrome not just a phrase for "Asshole". However, I was needing to learn them, fast and in real life stuff happening AT me. It was very odd, going through my own head, trying to understand my own near-death scenario, while rebuilding my trust with my kids, and dealing with a woman who today I understand clearly had and still has her own issues. Thank God for Spirituality... yes. I pray for her.
In my new found spiritual energy, I was learning terms like "Serenity", "Acceptance", "Gratitude", "Managing Expectations" and more, at the same time, I was watching my kids being put in harm's way, to "Gaslight" and incite anger in me, so I could be labeled "irrational". I was trying to build trust, and awareness in my kids about addictions, while being undermined, subverted by an angry person, determined to take as much money as possible, and leverage her bully husband to create false narratives of fear about me and my family. Certainly did not envision that on my wedding day! lol
Horribly Harmful Behavior to Kids is pretty much 100% Legal.
Or it can be, so I have found out. For years I have witnessed neglect, alienation, false narratives, false claims, medical neglect, blocking of counseling, and gaslighting. I have witnessed, expressed concern, anger, frustration and attempted resolution through the courts multiple times. I have been the subject of multiple manipulative, self-serving and false court filings.
I loved having the cops visit me the courtesy of my ex calling them. After explaining the "whole" story, my recovery, what I was working on, I articulated the multitude of false court motions etc,, they all said you need to go to court. Well, the courts are ineffective and expensive, and the 'victim' thing plays well there. I eventually assembled all these and convinced the courts to apply a ruling - forcing counseling - before Police and Courts are used. That took years of evidence as my kids grew older - confused at it all - just wanting to know the truth. I just needed to stay calm and consistent - and pray.
Counselors, I have found to be well-intentioned, and strive to make people "play together". They do not really do well "diagnosing" a severe behavior that will 100% inhibit ever playing nice. I see them struggling in quick sessions getting to the truth, through the clutter. I learned ways to help, and the levels of people to talk to that actually understand. Fortunately, I have dozens of incidents, that I had documented as they were occurring, with names, dates, and facts. In my "rigorous honesty" training, I seek to be honest with myself and my Motives when I do attempt corrective court actions. It's always kids first.
The best course of action...
For years I bit - I would get upset when I saw the kids being harmed when lies were said when false court motions and false 'restraining order' filed. I came to understand that there are MANY flavors of sanity, and many disorders, and I cannot determine if malicious or a disorder. The courts, Counseling, Police and DCF don't really care unless there is serious blood, guns or crime. Over the years. "Parental Alienation, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional harm, manipulation, controlling, and hurt - completely legal, sadly.
I eventually found the best reaction - was no reaction.
Give no satisfaction to harm - laugh at it, and pray that
all will eventually be OK. That's hard when it's your own kids.
Some Mindfulness from the Madness I have been through.
- Stay Spiritual - There is definitely a positive connection, that helps remove stress, anxiety, fears and is inherent is a calm inner peace mentally. The most brilliant minds say there is a 'there, there', and the Quantum world of Physics to me proves and intelligence, we may never understand. Spirituality and Prayer are a simple way to connect.
- Understand and Appreciate everyone. Yes, everyone. I eventually thanked my Ex in counseling for being so horrible towards me. Reasoning? Well, that for me provided the motivation to be the best person I could. I had to prove the lies were not true and embarked on a relentless path of personal excellence partially because of her, and literally re-trained my brain towards being a better person. The worst people in your lives can teach you the best lessons of coping, and self-insight. If YOU are upset, what is wrong with YOU?
- You be the best you - and let it go. We all have our own paths of discovery, some may achieve enlightened states, others may be miserable and angry their entire lives. All you can control is you, your behaviors, your actions, and your education and help for others in this world by how you operate you.
My kids are understanding at their own pace, in their own ways. I cannot force understanding, the teacher arrives when the student is ready. It took me a few decades to smarten up. lol Every day, I will just be the best me, all I can do - all I need to do.
Rock on! Hug Often!
Parental Alienation Youtube Education